October 1, 2010

The Mating Habits of Monsters: A Guest Post by Scott Nicholson

October starts off right--and a little wrong--with a very special guest post from award-winning author, Scott Nicholson. Wag The Fox is his latest stop on his epic journey across the blogoshere with his Kindle Giveaway Blog Tour. If you haven't been following his posts on the plethora of blogs, then you should remedy that immediately. And start by reading his latest offering.

The Mating Habits of Monsters
Scott Nicholson

Vampires snuggling werewolves.
Cthulhulian lizard-creatures entwining with rubber land sharks.
Massive monkeys going ape over tiny blondes.
Where will it all end?
People have been monkeying around with monster love since the beginning of recorded history, with incubi and succubi and all manner of night creatures that basically seem like good excuses to fornicate and have an “outside force” to blame. It appears to be the entire cause of the European witch trials, another chapter of human history in which impotent old geezers legislate the morality of young women, or else take the ultimate revenge.
But their guilt is another sign of impotence. What mortal wouldn’t want an invisible lover that sneaks in while the spouse is asleep and performs all the raunchy services required and conveniently leaves without so much as a drop of secretion?
If you take it from the Joy of Satan Ministries, demon lovers are preferable to human lovers. But I doubt if they asked Rosemary Woodhouse of Rosemary’s Baby fame. Of course, Rosemary bore the consequences of her actions, and she didn’t even really ask for it. Not too much, anyway. She just went along for the ride.
But none of this prepared us for the rise of paranormal romance, where all the old rules are thrown overboard and every orifice of every supernatural persuasion is made available for a furry fiend or two.
Now, on a practical level, imagine making out with a vampire: they’re cold, they’re lifeless, they have no bodily fluids, and you have to be finished with them before sunup. They have no blood flow, so turgidity is questionable. You can’t have any Italian dishes before a date, because the garlic will scare them off. Silver jewelry is a no-no because you might pierce your object of affection, and heaven help you if you accidentally leave a bowl of holy water by the bedside.
From what I’ve been able to deduce, it’s the power and magnetism that is the primary romantic allure of vampires—the demanding eyes that leave your helpless and going, “Well, gee, I guess I just have to do everything you say.” I suppose those who like to be controlled or dominated might go for that sort of thing. Or maybe it’s because most fictional vampires are well-muscled hunks or endowed babes who had the good fortune to be vampirized in the prime of their lives, so they could remain eternally hot (though isn’t it amazing how their hair styles are always able to transform to fit the times?
When I originally posted this doctored photo of me as a vampire for They Hunger, I got some rather…er, provocative responses. I was startled because I was pretty much the same guy as ever, only with sunken cheeks and a couple pointy teeth. I had to go like, “Uh, hunny, this casket ain’t BIG enough for two. Or three.”
But at least vampires have mostly human attributes. I don’t get the furry thing at all. Who would want to shag a shaggy thing? I know, I know, there are “fur cons” where anthropomorphs engage in erotic play (flash on that kinky little bedroom scene in the original The Shining, for those of you whose tender eyes have been protected from such shenanigans). But bedding a werewolf would definitely bring about some risk. Those passionate strokes might get a little ugly depending on the length of the claws. Plus, dang, you only get to do it once a month?
Snakes. Yeah, that’s Freudian. The Lair of the White Worm and all that. Eve and the apple. Medusa.
It’s obvious. Blame it all on women. ‘twas beauty killed the beast, in both King Kong and The Creature from the Black Lagoon. But it’s not just monsters that drive people to extremes. I believe it has to do with masks, the shucking of identities, the safety of disguises, and permission for fantasy play.
I was at a DragonCon where a guy dressed as Wonder Woman had a publicly stated mission of getting him/herself some “Storm Trooper (fill in an organ hidden beneath a hard plastic shell).”
Heck, I don’t know what’s normal anymore. Monster A-Go-Go will be along any minute now exposing my adventures in goat husbandry, and I used man-eating goats in Solom, and therefore that could be stretched into paranormal romance.
So I am guilty. And guilty feels real good.

Please share. What’s your favorite or most unlikely monster-mating configuration?

--------------Scott Nicholson is author of 12 novels, including the thrillers Speed Dating with the Dead, Drummer Boy, Forever Never Ends, The Skull Ring, As I Die Lying, Burial to Follow,and They Hunger. His revised novels for the U.K. Kindle are Creative Spirit, Troubled, and Solom. He’s also written four comic series, six screenplays, and more than 60 short stories. His story collections include Ashes, The First, Murdermouth: Zombie Bits, and Flowers. His Web site is Haunted Computer.
To be eligible for the Kindle DX, simply post a comment below with contact info. Feel free to debate and discuss the topic, but you will only be entered once per blog. You can also win a Kindle 3 through the tour newsletter and a Pandora’s Box of free e-books for a follower of “hauntedcomputer” on Twitter. Scott is also throwing in an extra Kindle 3 giveaway for EACH of his books that cracks the Top 100 through the tour. Thanks for playing. Complete details at http://www.hauntedcomputer.com/blogtour.htm


  1. I don't have any monster fantasies. Happily human,
    Jeff White whitejw@ameritech.net

  2. Scott, 30 days behind you. Don't look back. Good luck the rest of the tour and I'm trying to help reach the 20 kindle give away. I bought a few of your books:)

    dwdorow at gmail dot com


  3. Scott, I'm keeping track: goats, chickens, aligators and now vampires, werewolves and all kinds of other monsters....
    Monster A Go-Go, he's crossed over for good!
    Just bought another one of your books--well, kind of. Heeh.

  4. Syfy's Sharktopus is pretty freaking bizarre.

    And how about the Munsters? I'm not the first to make this observation but how does a vampire and a Frankenstein monster produce a werewolf?


  5. Hannibal and Clarice.


  6. Furries will always freak me out.


  7. Each day the monster-love is weirder...
    I do enjoy vampires... I think it's not that all vampires are hot and vampirized early - just THOSE people choose to write about those, instead of.. you know.. the other ones.
    But mean evil ugly vampires are cool too.. Just on a whole other basisxD

    mayarend -at- yahoo.com.br

  8. Warewolve smuggling vampires. . . what next? Vampire smuggling warewolves? Oh what's this world coming to.


  9. Personally, I discourage monster cross-breeding. I mean, what are we going to do with a werepire or a zomwolf? That's a whole can of worms that I don't want to open up.



  10. At least the match up are fantasy - at least, I believe so. But I agree that the true match would be wiered, to say the least.
    troublelore @ gmail .com

  11. Monster mating was never something that I have considered. What about a vampire and "The Blob" or a werewolf blob? Strange.


  12. i do love young frankenstein and love at first bite...can you tell i am not really a monster type? spvaughan@yahoo.com

  13. The vampire craze is definitely on the rise.

  14. hahah I've never thought about this before. Interesting to think about.


  15. Ewwww! Sorry, the whole supernatural romance, XXX vampire trend is definitely NOT my thing. I'll take relationships with humans any day.

    Before the whole vampire craze took off, there were some good supernatural stories that focused on the story and the difficulties of having a relationship with someone so different, or in a different time. Now they're just excuses for writing graphic sex.

    Of course, my teenage daughter has read every supernatural romance for YA out there, and some of the milder adult ones.

    One series we both like is Shana Abe's Drakon books. They have a really different kind of magic, with lots of adventure thrown in.

    Happy October!


  16. What a fun post; I enjoyed it.

    Tracey D
    booklover0226 at gmail dot com

  17. LOL - that was an excellent post Scott.

    calseeor (at) gmail (dot) com

  18. Great Post!

    monacart32 at hotmail dot com

  19. Wouldn't sleeping with a vampire constitute necrophilia?

    What actually creeps me out a little are all the stories of 100-year-old vampire guys dating teenage girls (you know, like Twilight). Anyone else find that odd?

  20. And what a wild 30 days it has been too. Love the pic, Scott. I am a huge paranormal fan, especially shifter stories. Prefer my men with a pulse, lol.

    caity_mack at yahoo dot com

  21. I don't think I am capable of thinking about that...just too creepy...my weirdest would be Edward and Bella...that is as weird as I want to go...

  22. Interesting post!
    chey127 at hotmail dot com

  23. Following the tour.

    web at jasonfedelem.com

  24. Anything and a zombie. Zombies gross me out. I even wrote a blog post about it. Bleh!


  25. Minerva sprang from the head of her father Zeus -- surely THAT kind of mating gave HIM a headache!
    bmcbroom at gmail dot com

  26. You know, zombies. I don't get the new thang which is that zombies are hot. I know they are humanoid, but really - they are rotting.

    parajunkee at gmail.com

  27. Day #30 and I am still a loyal follower :D

    Great post!


    Also don't forget to check out my amazing giveaways located at the top of my blog posts.

    Ashley's Bookshelf

  28. Interesting post?

    kissinoak at frontier dot com

  29. Kind, civilized comments! Where the ** is Monster A Go-Go?

  30. Scott never ceases to raise an eyebrow with these guest blog posts. A very enjoyable read.

    As for any monsters out there that might be @#$%able, that's a toughie. I can say which one I would need to be really drunk for: The Creature from the Black Lagoon. If that guy had a sister, she'd need one helluva personality to get passed the gills. :)

  31. This was another fun post. How about the Adam's family? They're pretty creepy. Foloowing your tour.
    Sue b

  32. The shark and octopus that mated to make Sharktopus!! I know, it was a genetically engineered thing, but cool as shit .

    I love the PNR/UF genera. I love a kick-butt female that takes on an alpha-male that isn't the same as her (as in human/vamp/shifter). The sex with these creatures isn't yucky cause the author comes up with reasons it all works out .

  33. Wonder what would happen if you crossed a werewolf with a tribble?

    dulcibelle [at] earthlink [dot] net

  34. I don't know what my favorite is, but I love that nothing is really off limits anymore. There's a vampire for everyone, for those who want them to be able to go out into daylight, to vamps that can eat food and could take you to dinner (and actually eat with you and not ON you). I'm not a HUGE werewolf fan, but I have to say that a shape shifting tiger is pretty freaking hot, though I'm not sure why. And when I think about it, it sounds really really weird.
    This is a new blog to me, and it looks awesome! Can't wait to find more great posts to read!
    candace_redinger at yahoo dot com

  35. This was certainly an interesting post, but from a writer's perspective, wouldn't a tale from the perspective of one of these hybrid beings be a truly unique way of illustrating the realistic treatment of outcasts from various cultures in history. For instance, another way of demonstrating how racial or religious discrimination can occur in our society through the eyes of a vampire/werewolf hybrid or some other combination. This was briefly alluded to in "Underworld", I believe the movie was called. Maybe its just my instincts as a teacher, but it seems like a great premise for a short story.

    Wakincade AT gmail DOT com

  36. Weston, a lot of monster fiction explores the "other." I guess the closest I've come is t"The Vampire Shortstop" in Flowers and Vernon Ray in "Drummer Boy," where he finds being gay is weirder than being supernatural.

    We haven't even gotten into "ghost love" yet. Talk about a lack of benefits!


  37. I guess I would have Vampire and Incubus.

    I am a newsletter subscriber


  38. I <3 all the monsters --- vampires, werewolves, etc.

    Emily ebdye1(at)gmail(dot)com

  39. I love Vampires too..also Aliens.

  40. Donkey and Dragon in Shrek were pretty hot. varbonoff22 at cox dot net

  41. This comment has been removed by the author.

  42. Well, my-my-my... With all of your talk of creepies and crawlies doing the horizontal monster mambo, you actually came THIS CLOSE to outing yourself about your ghastly goat lust. But you DID say this:

    "Monster A-Go-Go will be along any minute now exposing my adventures in goat husbandry"

    So, you obviously need ME to out you for you. Okay--Scott Nicholson has a thing for goats---an unnatural thing for goats, I might add. Oh my stars! I can NOT even begin to tell you how many goats he's had his way with---it's just SHOCKING! He's had literally THOUSANDS of "conquests" and has sired untold numbers of goat babies--and grand goat babies--and great goat grandbabies! (If you've ever seen a goat with a beard suspiciously like Scott's, chances are it's his offspring!) Oh, the HORROR of it all. It's all so disturbing and disgusting. Much more disturbing than any fictional pairing in novels, TV or movies. It's enough to put me off of goat cheese permanently! Seriously!

    Scott said: "So I am guilty. And guilty feels real good."

    Eeew, Scott! Thank you for the totally grossing me out....

    PS By the way, I dig that last photo of you. You really look better dead -- more natural and lifelike, some how. Being a corpse is a good look for you. You should do it much more often...

    CHEERS, Daddy-O!

  43. "monster love" *snort*

    inannajourney at gmail dot com

  44. LOL @ old vampire guys dating teenage girls! That creeps me out too.

    Reading about vampires is definately preferable to reading about werewolves or were-anything.

    Also is it just me or are paranormal "romances" becoming paranormal porn? I stopped reading one because a) it was a fundamentally ridiculous story, and b) waaaay too graphic.

    Yeah, monster mating is creepy in general to me. Not a good kind of creepy either.

    Go Team Human!


  45. Yes, how does a vampire and a frankenstein create a werewolf?! Pretty bizarre!! Yes, I've thought that like in the Twilight series it is strange that a 100 yr old vampire is dating a teen girl. :) Thanks for the chance to win a Kindle!! Woooot!

  46. @rive I think you would get some tribble trouble--though I don't want to watch the sex tape

    @Monster who says it's "Unnatural"? How can something that feels so right be so wrong?

    @Brenda uh, that's just WRONG!

    @stefanie there are all levels of "romance"--I think you can usually tell by how much bare skin is on the cover

  47. Ha! Best post yet. Is a Leprechaun considered a monster? Cause if so, I think there would be some interesting opportunities there.

  48. Monsters are scary.
    ljatwood at gmail dot com

  49. juliecookies(at)gmail.com
    Hmmm interesting topic.

  50. I've already been married to a low down dirty dog so I guess I would have to say werewolf.

    waitmantwillie at hotmail dot com

  51. Another interesting posting,

    Nadine stacypilot at yahoo dot com

  52. Please include me.
    Thanks for the chance to win.

    lkish77123 at gmail dot com

  53. I never thought about how difficult it would be to "make out" or date a vampire.
    hmhenderson AT yahoo DOT com

  54. Holy mackeral Scott (no this is not one animal suggestion either), how do you think up these storyl ines? I get the human and vampire thing, that one coupling has been popular way before "Bella & Edward" ever popped up in The Twilight Saga book series. Beyond that, I cannot imagine any other supernatural beings hooking up.

  55. Scott, this is one of the best explanations I've ever read for why people are so fascinated with monsters (i.e. vampires, werewolves, etc.) - the shucking of masks. Very interesting.


  56. Some of the most interesting paranormal books I ve read have drawn from mythology - indian, chinese, whatever! Its great fodder for a new species in a fantasy novel :)
    Good luck!

  57. Halfway through the blog hop.

    Please enter me.

    baychriz at gmail dot com

  58. Some thoughts:
    1) While no sex was shown the Munster had a vampire type married to a frankenstein type who had a werewolf type son. I think the sex between Lilly and Herman was pretty durn good.

    2) not quite monster sex but the girl from "Teeth" could only really get her freak on with Wolverine since he has a healing factor.

    3) A medusa could be a very selfish lover but would never have to worry about her lover not being hard.

    4) In many of the old vampire movies if you take out the stake the vampire can come back to life. It would certainly be perverted for a vampire hunter and vampire to get it on. "Stake me, Stake me!"

    5) special mention has to be made of "Bad Biology." Two mutants get it on. Both mutants have super charged sexual organs. The man has to get off using a a self built home depot monstrosity using lube and chicken wire.

    6) Speaking of mutant sex, the two who get it on in "Wrong Turn 2" are just pretty wrong.

    7) Finally, how can we forget the japanese. Um, on second thought maybe we should.

    Lazarus Lupin
    art and review

  59. I would LOVE a Kindle DX. Thanks for the opportunity to win one! :)

    P.S. Click on my name for my contact info. ;)

  60. Never understood how vampires get to look so hot when they can't see their reflection?

  61. Monster mating? Yecchh!


  62. LOL - great post. You took my mind to a place it hasn't wandered for a while. I enjoy twisted ;-)

  63. Thanks for the giveaway!


  64. hey, don't blame it on all on the women. Men have done their parts too. And I've always been more of an animal person then a people person so I've always leaned more toward the werewolves.


  65. Uhm... I'll abstain on this one and just leave my contact info:

    jerry at jerrygilreath dot com
    or jerry.gilreath at gmail dot com

  66. For a while there was a trend toward making the vampires really ugly and disgusting, now thank goodness they're hot again! But even though they're over 100, they look a little too young, a little more mature would be better!
    Gail in Florida
    cowgirl3000 at gmail dot com

  67. I don't mind that vampires are hot again, at one point bela lugosi was considered hot. I just don't like the glittery bodice rippingness of the current twilight thing. I'm philosphical though, as Kevin Smith, all these gothy teens who love twilight will someday be hot chicks of age that will go for geeks with teeth. So keep checking dem IDs folks!

    Lazarusl Lupin
    art and review

  68. Love Vampire fantasies!

    colljerr at comcast dot net

  69. Ouch Icedream you ought to get a prize for a zinger!

    @Kimberly K, I take it you haven't browsed the urban fantasy shelf at your local store lately, have you? It's wide open.

    @Lazarus thanks for the info! (or does that fall under "too much info"?)

    @deepali people love mythologies of cultures other than their own so they can learn something new

    @gail, I think they've drawn a line at any vampire being old enough to have chest hair (with or without the baby oil)

    Don't forget to plug The Red Church, everyone, we're ALMOST there!


  70. Now there's a new genre for you: Monster Porn!

    If you are interested in it at all, you need to watch the movie Splice. Too weird for me.

    Never got into the whole Twilight thing. Just doesn't appeal to me. Maybe they should get Edward to do a Viagra add.
    "If it helped me, imagine what it could do for you! I'm dead but I'm getting more nookie now than ever!"

    Scott, too!

  71. Congrats on surviving the first month of the tour!

    conrad.jd (at) gmail (dot) com

  72. Now that's a happy-looking vampire.

    Twitter: MachineTrooper

  73. Still stalking you. :)


  74. That was a fun post!
    Despite all the drawbacks I still think Vampires are the monster atttractive because they are most human. I having relations with a werewolf gives 'doggy-style' a whole meaning.
    And with a shifter what if he suddenly turned into a slug? I mean its bad enough when that happens with a human male but literally??!!!


  75. How fitting that a post titled "The Mating Habits of Monsters" would address guilty pleasures. I would think so!

    Thanks for the tour of the blog world.

    wordygirl at earthlink d0t net

  76. Wonderful idea!


  77. I always wondered about those "Mars Needs Women" scenarios. Just why are human women so attractive to aliens?


  78. The trouble is nature is often as nasty and disturbing as anything we can conceive.

    Bedbugs have been in the news recently. Here is a nasty little bugger (pun intended) that mates through poor aim. Truly, the bedbug can literally STAB the female with its genitals anywhere to its sperm in position. What's even more bizarre a male bedbug can stab another male and then that male will have sperm from both, and you can imagine this can form quite a long chain.

    So we have stabby sex, thank you so much nature.

    Lazarus Lupin
    art and review

  79. Post Script.

    One of the more interesting stories involving the mating habits of monster was written by Philip Jose Farmer. The story was basically the aftermath of the whole King Kong affair. Admidst the finiancial woes Denham was in, he was slapped with a law suit from Ann stipulating unnamed emotional and physical damage. Mr. Farmer then went above and beyond the call of duty in relating mating facts of gorillas and then scaling it up to Kong sized. In the end, he never definitely answered whether Kong did or didn't.

    Laz again

  80. Interesting post;-)

    skeltons3 at hotmail.com

  81. There was a discussion on this a couple of years ago on a blog I visit regularly, and wereducks were mentioned.

    I remember reading a pretty funny story about a vampire and a werewolf who fall in love and produce a werevamp. I always wondered what sort of creature that would be. A wolf that turns into a vampire when the moon is full? A vampire who turns into a werewolf, or something else?

  82. I don't have any fantasy that involves furry things and gleaming fangs. Seriously. That is just too weird for me. Thanks for the lovely post!
    You can reach me at luvpinkpanther@gmail.com

  83. Satyr/Centaur . . . how would that work exactly? I'm not sure, but it's worth exploring.


  84. Bibliophile - Wereducks? Hmmm. That's a good one for a Saturday morning cartoon. :)

  85. Thanks Scott!


    tztomfromcali _ at _ gmail _ com

  86. Well, I think of the Munsters...what a loving pair Herman and Lily were...
    pippirose59 at gmail dot com

  87. Fantastic! Thank you Scott!

    coriwestphal at msn dot com

  88. Good luck! nickandhanan hotmail dot com

  89. The hole Idea of eny thing having sex with a zompie blows my bran but there seems a lot of zomie books are coming out me I just like the Zombie movies and the diffrent way thay come up with on killing them.

  90. Thanks for the chance to win!

    kt1969 at comcast dot net

  91. wow cool giveaway

    purple_lover_04 at msn dot com

  92. A vampire with a werewolf.

  93. Thanks for a great giveaway.

    kkappleby at msn dot com

    Karen / lilk13

  94. So do we love vampires out of fear of love? sometimes I feel the same way about humans, thanks for another great post
    hmhenderson AT yahoo DOT com

  95. Cool pic, Scott! Luv it. I am doing my part for the 20 kindles. and having fun along the way...

    dreamer dot ima at gmail dot com

  96. @Pink Panther What ELSE would you say in a public forum? Blogger wasn't invented for sharing deep dark fantasies!

    @Sarah LEprechaun, eh? don't really want to picture that one!

    Laz thanks for all the thoughts!

    Laura, would satyrs be riding bareback?

    Pippirose Herman Munster (Fred Gwynn) was an excellent children's book author (Look up "The King Who Rained")

    Hendy, I think vamps are a control thing--they get you at night but they're at your mercy during the day!


  97. I have favored the vampire since watching Bela Lugosi on the late show when I was a teenager.


  98. thanks for the chance!!

  99. Fascinating post and entertaining comments. Thanks for sparking this writer's creative juices. ...and BTW, what about voyeurism, isn't it interesting how those of us who like to read this stuff really get into the whole love/sex thing?

  100. I understand the allure of the vampire, but I can’t see how it would ever work in real life.

    The main question, of course, is if there’s fiction out there that plays to that angle or is it all about the fantasy and not about the reality? To display vampire relationships with their cons wouldn’t make for boring fiction either. If anything, there’d be more tension, if presented properly.

    The eerie part, of course, is that vampires are dead despite their mobility. That’s why they’re called the undead. So one would have to be predisposed to necrophilia beforehand.

    In fact, I have a work-in-progress about the above: vampire romance in the real world, without all the childish drama. Real people. Real undead. Real love.

    Coming soon.

    Coscomentertainment [at] gmail [dot] com


    BLOOD OF THE DEAD and ZOMBIE FIGHT NIGHT available for the Amazon Kindle. Grab your copies here!

  101. Interesting post as usual with a lot to think about.
    I would have loved to meet you at Dragon*con, maybe next year.


  102. Monster mating. Yeah

    dorcontest at gmail dot com

  103. Is anyone else feeling like a stalker?


  104. Thanks for entering, everyone, entries here capped at 107 (minus duplicates, spam, Wag the Fox's, and my posts).

    @ipearson I am open to stalkers but my only rule is they have to be cute

    @andrea I hope to get back to DragonCon next year, I need my fix of Big Furries and spray-painted fairies

    @Ingrid the only people who claim to not be in tho the love/sex thing are those who think about it (and miss it) the most

    See you guys down the road, and ya'll come back here to Wag the Fox often! Thanks, Gef, for hosting.


  105. I love these giveaways

    couponhuntingchik at gmail dot com

  106. My pleasure, Scott. Best of luck with the rest of the blog tour. Much success!

  107. Buffy & Spike :-)


  108. Hmmmmmmmm...don't know about that.
    ljatwood at gmail dot com

  109. lol. Bella and Edward maybe.


  110. I would love to be entered!

  111. You are a very unique guy!


  112. for me its the vampire and the vampire hunter. Just don't see how they get past that whole "my jobs to kill you" thing.

    jlynettes @ hotmail . com

  113. I like this idea of a blog tour, thanks for the great reads Scott!

    Kevin Bozard

  114. Monster Mating? Umm..werewolf and vampire....